Those Phrases from A Father That Saved Us when I became a New Father

"I think I was simply just surviving for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of being a father.

But the truth rapidly became "very different" to his expectations.

Serious health complications surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her chief support as well as taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every change… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct statement "You are not in a healthy space. You must get support. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His situation is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more accustomed to talking about the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads encounter.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are symptomatic of a wider failure to talk among men, who continue to hold onto damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing time and again."

"It is not a sign of failure to ask for help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the opportunity to ask for a respite - taking a few days away, separate from the family home, to see things clearly.

He came to see he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen was without stable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says repressing feelings resulted in him make "poor decisions" when he was younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Coping as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, speak to a friend, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the activities that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, physical activity and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can look after your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they faced their struggles, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I believe my role is to guide and direct you how to behave, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I am discovering just as much as you are on this path."