I Thought I Was a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Made Me Uncover the Reality

In 2011, a couple of years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie exhibition debuted at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I declared myself a homosexual woman. Until that moment, I had only been with men, one of whom I had married. Two years later, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single caregiver to four kids, residing in the America.

During this period, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and sexual orientation, seeking out clarity.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - prior to digital connectivity. When we were young, my companions and myself didn't have Reddit or digital content to turn to when we had questions about sex; instead, we looked to music icons, and in that decade, artists were challenging gender norms.

Annie Lennox wore boys' clothes, Boy George embraced women's fashion, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured artists who were publicly out.

I craved his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his defined jawline and masculine torso. I wanted to embody the artist's German phase

In that decade, I spent my time driving a bike and adopting masculine styles, but I went back to conventional female presentation when I decided to wed. My partner relocated us to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull returning to the masculinity I had once given up.

Considering that no artist challenged norms as dramatically as David Bowie, I chose to use some leisure time during a summer trip back to the UK at the museum, with the expectation that maybe he could guide my understanding.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was looking for when I entered the display - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the richness of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, stumble across a insight into my own identity.

Before long I was standing in front of a modest display where the music video for "that track" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking stylish in a slate-colored ensemble, while to the side three supporting vocalists dressed in drag clustered near a microphone.

Differing from the performers I had witnessed firsthand, these characters failed to move around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Positioned as supporting acts, they were chewing and rolled their eyes at the boredom of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their reduced excitement. I felt a fleeting feeling of understanding for the backing singers, with their heavy makeup, uncomfortable wigs and restrictive outfits.

They seemed to experience as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - irritated and impatient, as if they were yearning for it all to be over. At the moment when I realized I was identifying with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Shocker. (Understandably, there were further David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I became completely convinced that I wanted to rip it all off and become Bowie too. I desired his narrow hips and his sharp haircut, his strong features and his masculine torso; I sought to become the slender-shaped, Berlin-era Bowie. However I couldn't, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Coming out as homosexual was a separate matter, but personal transformation was a considerably more daunting prospect.

It took me several more years before I was ready. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest to adopt male characteristics: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my feminine garments, shortened my locks and began donning men's clothes.

I altered how I sat, changed my stride, and changed my name and pronouns, but I stopped short of hormonal treatment - the chance of refusal and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

After the David Bowie show completed its global journey with a stint in Brooklyn, New York, five years later, I revisited. I had reached a breaking point. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be something I was not.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the problem wasn't about my clothing, it was my biological self. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a feminine man who'd been wearing drag since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and then I comprehended that I was able to.

I booked myself in to see a physician shortly afterwards. I needed another few years before my personal journey finished, but none of the things I worried about came true.

I continue to possess many of my female characteristics, so people often mistake me for a homosexual male, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I wanted the freedom to play with gender as Bowie had - and given that I'm comfortable in my body, I have that capacity.